Well it's been a while...
I came back to Albany because Syd needed me sooner than I was ready to bring her to NYC. I am a mom first, before anything else. It sets me back a little but it's okay. I go back and forth to get my theatre stuff done when I need to. I found an apartment in the area and it's nice. My grandma died in March...I loved her so. I have a job I don't like too much, but it pays the bills and then some...at least it's something. I'm teaching yoga of course. My goal same as before...get my CPT (soon), teach yoga, find a flexible job, find a place in Brooklyn w/ a good school for Syd and perform. Sydney's daddy is going back over seas...I feel for her, I feel for him, and it does make me sad. I'm sick of this war...I want peace.
I have been working out like crazy :) <3 it.
I'm going RAW soon...more about that later, plus a separate blog.
I don't need to say a lot about now because it's not necessary...life goes on...I move on...I'm still on my way. Life is good and it will get better in time.
Things I have discovered about myself...
1. I don't know if I ever want to get married again, but I do want to be devoted to one man.
2. I don't want anymore kids physically...maybe adoption way later.
3. I want to travel as much as possible.
4. I really do want to fall madly in love...when the time is right.
5. Sometimes I'm not always happy and thats okay.
6. I like living alone, just me and Sydney.
7. I treasure quiet moments.
8. Nothing is ever okay if I do not have the stage to work on, breathe on, live on, love on...
9. I want to take my time and do things right.
10. Sometimes it's okay to let go...completely...as long as you come back into your own.
5.12.2009
12.01.2008
Vent
Getting ready to go off to work...
I need to vent before I leave my safe space.
I'm fucking exhausted and sick and tired of bullshit.
I want to give up so bad and go home to my family and just live an ordinary life.
My world has put me in a position to where I am doing everything alone and I feel like it's too much for me. Too much to handle. Too much for one person.
Money is coming in and flushing right back out, I cannot handle all of my bills because it seems whenever I make enough something else comes up. Forget about buying anything for myself. I cannot even seem to pay for the one thing that is most important to me, my acting class.
This is me.
24 years old
Aspiring actress
Single mother
In the process of a divorce
Alone in NY with no family around
Exhausted
At her breaking point
....it could be worse I guess
I cannot leave NY and go home...I am only here for the theatre. If it weren't for acting I would be in WV or at least somewhere besides here.
Wow...
It all just hit me.
I need to meditate.
Badly...
I need to vent before I leave my safe space.
I'm fucking exhausted and sick and tired of bullshit.
I want to give up so bad and go home to my family and just live an ordinary life.
My world has put me in a position to where I am doing everything alone and I feel like it's too much for me. Too much to handle. Too much for one person.
Money is coming in and flushing right back out, I cannot handle all of my bills because it seems whenever I make enough something else comes up. Forget about buying anything for myself. I cannot even seem to pay for the one thing that is most important to me, my acting class.
This is me.
24 years old
Aspiring actress
Single mother
In the process of a divorce
Alone in NY with no family around
Exhausted
At her breaking point
....it could be worse I guess
I cannot leave NY and go home...I am only here for the theatre. If it weren't for acting I would be in WV or at least somewhere besides here.
Wow...
It all just hit me.
I need to meditate.
Badly...
11.13.2008
Escape
Escape
I have nowhere to run because I can't escape it.
There is nowhere to hide because it will find me.
I see it in the mirror every morning.
It stares me in the face beckoning for me to recognize it.
Behind every tree I catch a glimpse of it.
When I wake I can feel it on my breath.
Every time I push it away, I can feel it fighting against me.
Fighting to keep me, resisting my escape.
I feel pain when I am forced to face it.
Remembering the things that I long to have, but I cannot.
It's easier to escape than remember.
Escape is no longer an option.
Yearning for what I must live without.
Wondering why I have to think about it night and day.
Recall the magic of the remembrance but yet I wish I could be free.
I do not wish to be free of my innermost longing.
I wish to be free of the pain it causes to long in such a way.
The bittersweet feelings of heartache and dissatisfaction.
There is nothing I want more than to curb this hunger.
In the corner my mind and imagination huddle in deep thought.
Trying to figure out the tricky riddle of fate and unlock the door of destiny.
To bring me into the place that I need to be
Because it will not allow me to escape.
Help me find that place.
I have nowhere to run because I can't escape it.
There is nowhere to hide because it will find me.
I see it in the mirror every morning.
It stares me in the face beckoning for me to recognize it.
Behind every tree I catch a glimpse of it.
When I wake I can feel it on my breath.
Every time I push it away, I can feel it fighting against me.
Fighting to keep me, resisting my escape.
I feel pain when I am forced to face it.
Remembering the things that I long to have, but I cannot.
It's easier to escape than remember.
Escape is no longer an option.
Yearning for what I must live without.
Wondering why I have to think about it night and day.
Recall the magic of the remembrance but yet I wish I could be free.
I do not wish to be free of my innermost longing.
I wish to be free of the pain it causes to long in such a way.
The bittersweet feelings of heartache and dissatisfaction.
There is nothing I want more than to curb this hunger.
In the corner my mind and imagination huddle in deep thought.
Trying to figure out the tricky riddle of fate and unlock the door of destiny.
To bring me into the place that I need to be
Because it will not allow me to escape.
Help me find that place.
11.01.2008
The Unspoken Mind: Part II
Grandma You Should Know
Grandma I'm missing you.
I miss just sitting by your side.
Now I smell like you.
Nivea Creme and Baby Powder.
It is a familiar place in my loneliness.
Grandma I can taste your food.
Potato salad and tuna casserole.
Warm in my mouth.
Filling in my stomach.
You never judged me. Ever.
Grandma I've wanted to tell you so much.
I have a beautiful daughter.
I am fighting for what I love.
Sometimes I get confused and frustrated.
Please give me strength and guidance.
I wear your ring by my heart.
New York City Lovers
Back home you flew.
You came into my life like a whisper.
Not for long, but it shook me so.
How is it that I just met you.
Yet I want to see your smile everyday.
Thousands of miles away, months apart.
These realities confuse me completely.
It would be easier to forget it but I cannot.
When in another man's arms all I think of is you.
If I try to push it away, it stares me in the face.
Your kiss shot through my veins.
The recollection of your embrace.
Blushing you took me into your world.
Now I do not know what will happen.
Will we remain or just become a distant memory?
Sydney J.
Sweet voiced and bright eyed.
Full of wonder you cling to my side.
Jumping, running, always moving.
Bouncy brown curls and chubby cheeks.
I am amazed that you came from me.
So mischievous you are, but still so sweet.
Always curious and wanting answers.
Chatting, singing, clickety-clacking.
I love the way your little hands fit in mine.
How I wish you could stay small forever.
You sing with me, ever my darling.
The reason why I work so hard is you.
When I am not with you, my heart aches.
Love has no measure for you and I.
I am your Mama before anything else.
Money Crazy
Is everything about money?
Sometimes I think life is all about money.
Earning it, having it, spending it, wanting it.
Money divides, money brings joy or strife.
It's all about who is earning it better.
Some people are born with money to last.
Other people have to learn how to make money.
Then there are people who don't do either.
Life is all about choices.
How one chooses to live is up to them.
I want a comfortable life.
I long to travel until I can see no more.
My daughter needs a quality education.
Yet, I do not want money to govern me.
In the end, sometimes it does, no matter your choice.
The Snake
Cruelty stringing threads.
At first I couldn't understand it.
Why were you being so mean to me.
Constantly crying but you went for the throat.
Yet I stayed and hoped you would change.
You hated my spirit.
Insecurely you tried to make me self conscious.
Every little thing was my fault.
I was never good enough for you.
Weaving a web of anger you lost.
So, tired, I left you in your misery.
Never will I know why I stayed.
I know who I am and what I stand for.
Moving to peace I laugh full bodied.
In your loneliness you wait.
Grandma I'm missing you.
I miss just sitting by your side.
Now I smell like you.
Nivea Creme and Baby Powder.
It is a familiar place in my loneliness.
Grandma I can taste your food.
Potato salad and tuna casserole.
Warm in my mouth.
Filling in my stomach.
You never judged me. Ever.
Grandma I've wanted to tell you so much.
I have a beautiful daughter.
I am fighting for what I love.
Sometimes I get confused and frustrated.
Please give me strength and guidance.
I wear your ring by my heart.
New York City Lovers
Back home you flew.
You came into my life like a whisper.
Not for long, but it shook me so.
How is it that I just met you.
Yet I want to see your smile everyday.
Thousands of miles away, months apart.
These realities confuse me completely.
It would be easier to forget it but I cannot.
When in another man's arms all I think of is you.
If I try to push it away, it stares me in the face.
Your kiss shot through my veins.
The recollection of your embrace.
Blushing you took me into your world.
Now I do not know what will happen.
Will we remain or just become a distant memory?
Sydney J.
Sweet voiced and bright eyed.
Full of wonder you cling to my side.
Jumping, running, always moving.
Bouncy brown curls and chubby cheeks.
I am amazed that you came from me.
So mischievous you are, but still so sweet.
Always curious and wanting answers.
Chatting, singing, clickety-clacking.
I love the way your little hands fit in mine.
How I wish you could stay small forever.
You sing with me, ever my darling.
The reason why I work so hard is you.
When I am not with you, my heart aches.
Love has no measure for you and I.
I am your Mama before anything else.
Money Crazy
Is everything about money?
Sometimes I think life is all about money.
Earning it, having it, spending it, wanting it.
Money divides, money brings joy or strife.
It's all about who is earning it better.
Some people are born with money to last.
Other people have to learn how to make money.
Then there are people who don't do either.
Life is all about choices.
How one chooses to live is up to them.
I want a comfortable life.
I long to travel until I can see no more.
My daughter needs a quality education.
Yet, I do not want money to govern me.
In the end, sometimes it does, no matter your choice.
The Snake
Cruelty stringing threads.
At first I couldn't understand it.
Why were you being so mean to me.
Constantly crying but you went for the throat.
Yet I stayed and hoped you would change.
You hated my spirit.
Insecurely you tried to make me self conscious.
Every little thing was my fault.
I was never good enough for you.
Weaving a web of anger you lost.
So, tired, I left you in your misery.
Never will I know why I stayed.
I know who I am and what I stand for.
Moving to peace I laugh full bodied.
In your loneliness you wait.
The Unspoken Mind: Part I
Longing with Hesitation
Hunger.
Pangs complimented with growls.
Indecisive yet knowing.
Wanting two things simultaneously.
I know you, yet I do not.
You scare me.
Everything is pointing to you.
I am not ready but I want you.
Just take it slow.
Let me study you.
Observation.
Similarities outweigh all odds.
I do not want to get too close.
But yet I long to touch you.
Reassure me, find me.
Thoughts on Train C
Breathe, Oh let me breathe.
One moment of resonance leads to another.
Silence is contemptuous.
My mind wandering in a million directions.
Meditating on the future.
Passionately my soul flies.
I long to dance and sing.
Throwing my torment into art.
Fiery resilience growing steadily.
Please may I scream?
Lust for life and freedom.
Remembering that nothing holds me.
I liken to a tiger.
Fierce and agile, always watching.
I persevere and release.
Notes on Love
I want to be chased.
I want to be romanced.
I want to feel butterflies.
I want to fall madly in love.
I want him to fall madly in love with me.
I need a man who is warm.
I need a man who is confident yet humble.
I need someone who cannot get enough of me.
I need him to be my confidant.
I need to be loved for who I am.
I have patience and faith.
I have longing in my heart.
I have a way with words.
I have a gleam in my eyes.
I have a lot to give.
Ranting and Raving
I am not having a good night.
Sometimes life sicks but maybe that's all me.
Perhaps it is all my fault.
I want to fucking scream.
Welling up from the depths of my soul.
Why?! Why?! Why?!
No! I am not happy right now.
Throbbing head.
Aching heart.
Growling belly.
Lonely body.
Sore eyes.
I want to give up.
I want to go home.
Fuck this bullshit.
I have to pull through.
Hunger.
Pangs complimented with growls.
Indecisive yet knowing.
Wanting two things simultaneously.
I know you, yet I do not.
You scare me.
Everything is pointing to you.
I am not ready but I want you.
Just take it slow.
Let me study you.
Observation.
Similarities outweigh all odds.
I do not want to get too close.
But yet I long to touch you.
Reassure me, find me.
Thoughts on Train C
Breathe, Oh let me breathe.
One moment of resonance leads to another.
Silence is contemptuous.
My mind wandering in a million directions.
Meditating on the future.
Passionately my soul flies.
I long to dance and sing.
Throwing my torment into art.
Fiery resilience growing steadily.
Please may I scream?
Lust for life and freedom.
Remembering that nothing holds me.
I liken to a tiger.
Fierce and agile, always watching.
I persevere and release.
Notes on Love
I want to be chased.
I want to be romanced.
I want to feel butterflies.
I want to fall madly in love.
I want him to fall madly in love with me.
I need a man who is warm.
I need a man who is confident yet humble.
I need someone who cannot get enough of me.
I need him to be my confidant.
I need to be loved for who I am.
I have patience and faith.
I have longing in my heart.
I have a way with words.
I have a gleam in my eyes.
I have a lot to give.
Ranting and Raving
I am not having a good night.
Sometimes life sicks but maybe that's all me.
Perhaps it is all my fault.
I want to fucking scream.
Welling up from the depths of my soul.
Why?! Why?! Why?!
No! I am not happy right now.
Throbbing head.
Aching heart.
Growling belly.
Lonely body.
Sore eyes.
I want to give up.
I want to go home.
Fuck this bullshit.
I have to pull through.
6.02.2008
Night Fall
The night falls and I can smell the whispering of tomorrow.
Enjoying the solitude in dark I wait.
I wait for peace and rest.
Until the moment that I can lie gently upon my pillow and let dreams dance around in my head.
Dreams that make me believe in myself.
Lavender and yellow colored.
The road that I travel to become whole again.
A road that offers me a place to heal.
Solitude in myself.
Solace in my new found wisdom.
My soul searches for you.
I will find you in the night fall.
Remember me in the morning dew.
Enjoying the solitude in dark I wait.
I wait for peace and rest.
Until the moment that I can lie gently upon my pillow and let dreams dance around in my head.
Dreams that make me believe in myself.
Lavender and yellow colored.
The road that I travel to become whole again.
A road that offers me a place to heal.
Solitude in myself.
Solace in my new found wisdom.
My soul searches for you.
I will find you in the night fall.
Remember me in the morning dew.
4.05.2008
Yoga and Missing Syd
So...
I've been in NYC for two weeks. I passed bartending school, which I am VERY thankful for, now I can find a job that will give me enough cash until I can teach yoga. It's the finding the job that's the hard part. But I will get there. I am now a mixology wizard and it's pretty neat.
My yoga teacher certification started last week with Atmananda Yoga Sequence. It's amazing. Hands down. I am sore as hell and am still attempting to master the more difficult poses. The spiritual and mental transformation is unreal to me. I am more peaceful, content, and have more love for myself. My meditation has been taken to a higher level. I have learned somewhat about Ayurveda and Macrobiotic cooking. I am just so thankgul for this opportunity. I have tried for two years to get to yoga school, but was always set back. And yet...here I am...finally. Wow.
Sydney Joy. My sweet baby.
I miss her so much.
My daughter had to stay in WV with my Mom for this month because yoga school is very time consuming and I have to find my own apartment. I know that I will see her next weekend snd she will be coming to live with me in May. It still hurts though. Not to wake up to her little face, hear her feet running through the house, reading her stories, or even just lying beside her and watching a movie. Ever since she was born it has been me and her. Even when her father was around...it was her and I. We are a package deal, two peas in a pod, one in the same. She is my heart, my dreams, and my inspiration.
In order to share a fulfilling life with her I need to do what I am doing now. Sydney will learn from me to follow her dreams, work hard, and never take no for an answer. Oh, but how my heart aches. I watch videos of her on my phone every night and day. When I take the train in the a.m. and when I go to bed in the p.m.
What a beautiful life we will share. I am her mother before anything. I do this for myself and thus I do this for her...for our life and for her future.
How lucky I am to have my Mother to help me, she told me that I need to fo this...to find myself after all that I have been through and to get to where I am going. I complain about her sometimes and we butt heads...but I am my Mothers daughter and I realize she wants me to be happy.
Kristina...my rock, the best friend that I have ever had. She helps me with Sydney during this time and is that creative loving force that Sydney needs when I am not around. She is everything good and I do not know if she realizes the contents of her heart, but they are pure and they deserve only the best. I only hope to be the friend to her that she is to me...not even really a friend, she is my sister.
I am proud of myself. It's been a long time coming. But I'm here. I'm looking fear in the face and saying "Come get me...I'm ready for you".
I've been in NYC for two weeks. I passed bartending school, which I am VERY thankful for, now I can find a job that will give me enough cash until I can teach yoga. It's the finding the job that's the hard part. But I will get there. I am now a mixology wizard and it's pretty neat.
My yoga teacher certification started last week with Atmananda Yoga Sequence. It's amazing. Hands down. I am sore as hell and am still attempting to master the more difficult poses. The spiritual and mental transformation is unreal to me. I am more peaceful, content, and have more love for myself. My meditation has been taken to a higher level. I have learned somewhat about Ayurveda and Macrobiotic cooking. I am just so thankgul for this opportunity. I have tried for two years to get to yoga school, but was always set back. And yet...here I am...finally. Wow.
Sydney Joy. My sweet baby.
I miss her so much.
My daughter had to stay in WV with my Mom for this month because yoga school is very time consuming and I have to find my own apartment. I know that I will see her next weekend snd she will be coming to live with me in May. It still hurts though. Not to wake up to her little face, hear her feet running through the house, reading her stories, or even just lying beside her and watching a movie. Ever since she was born it has been me and her. Even when her father was around...it was her and I. We are a package deal, two peas in a pod, one in the same. She is my heart, my dreams, and my inspiration.
In order to share a fulfilling life with her I need to do what I am doing now. Sydney will learn from me to follow her dreams, work hard, and never take no for an answer. Oh, but how my heart aches. I watch videos of her on my phone every night and day. When I take the train in the a.m. and when I go to bed in the p.m.
What a beautiful life we will share. I am her mother before anything. I do this for myself and thus I do this for her...for our life and for her future.
How lucky I am to have my Mother to help me, she told me that I need to fo this...to find myself after all that I have been through and to get to where I am going. I complain about her sometimes and we butt heads...but I am my Mothers daughter and I realize she wants me to be happy.
Kristina...my rock, the best friend that I have ever had. She helps me with Sydney during this time and is that creative loving force that Sydney needs when I am not around. She is everything good and I do not know if she realizes the contents of her heart, but they are pure and they deserve only the best. I only hope to be the friend to her that she is to me...not even really a friend, she is my sister.
I am proud of myself. It's been a long time coming. But I'm here. I'm looking fear in the face and saying "Come get me...I'm ready for you".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)